The Canonical Penguin: Close but No Cigar

In some of the old family stories I have told, I have jokingly referred to us in mob or criminal terms just to make a funny. However there really is a bit of the darker, potentially dangerous and criminal in a couple of family tales I will write about today

This first story took place when I was about 7-8 years old. My grandmother lived with us growing up and often babysat for the crew when my parents had other obligations – my dad with the VFW and Democratic Party in Queens, my mother with the Catholic Church and school in our community. It is on one of those nights that this occurred. It was late in the evening, my grandmother watching us, and we were sitting in the dining room. It had lace curtains on the windows facing the back yard. The curtains moved on their own and we went to the window to peer outside, convinced that there was someone in the yard looking in the window. My grandmother, who was prone to overreaction, especially in regards to overprotecting the grand kids, reached an emotional high and a dash to the telephone to call the police. For some reason cooler heads prevailed for a bit and another check of the yard, including turning the porch light on, didn’t reveal anyone or anything there. The explanation – leaky, drafty windows allowed wind to move the curtains, dark outside / light inside created a reflection on the window of one of us, seen by my grandmother and kids but believed to be someone outside. No doubt my parents were saved the embarrassment of explaining to the cops they were called because of a reflection.

(not the alarm on corner of 214th place and Northern Boulevard, but an incredible simulation)

The second story occurred a few years later when I was maybe 12 or so and involved me, my brother Mike and almost brother Tom. Again it was late in the day and we were hanging out, playing in the backyard. On the facing block there was a house and the upstairs bedroom window was open. Curtains fluttered in the breeze, and there was a smell of smoke in the air. As we looked up at the window in the fading light, we saw a flickering light. Quickly we convinced ourselves that there was a fire in the bedroom and we needed to call the fire department. We ran from the house, down the block, around the corner and up to the fire alarm box. All set to pull it, we paused. Looking at each other we turned and went around the rest of the block to the front of the house in question. No smoke, no fire, no commotion. Again, disaster averted. Imagine the embarrassment for us and our parents trying to explain that little tidbit to the police.

Ah, living the life of an almost criminal…

(These are stories about things that actually happened with plenty of witnesses. It has passed from the apocryphal to canonical in nature. Wiki says of canon – “material that is considered to be "genuine", "something that actually happened", or can be directly referenced as material produced by the original author or creator.”)

Book Review: “Stonehenge” by Bernard Cornwell

I recently wrote that I was listening to this book, an example of the historical fiction that is a guilty pleasure, so I thought I would review it for all y'alls...

Set in prehistoric Britain, more than 4000 year ago, this book follows several tribes as they search for religious fulfillment at the hands of their various gods. Names such as Saban and Orena, struggle as fictional characters living their lives in the wilds of the British Isles, struggling with their view of the gods which control everything from the rise of the sun and different seasons to the amount of wild animals their clans hunters will be able to find. It is the effort to please these gods and influence them in some way that leads to the creation of a giant stone temple, that we commonly call Stonehenge now.

As historical fiction books go, this one has a lot going for it. Through his writing, Cornwell espouses a theory about the how’s, when’s and whys of this creation. After the end of the story, he includes a chapter that details much of what is known, not known and conjectured about this monument to the gods. Additionally he includes just enough of what I like to call “Neanderthal Porn” to make it interesting yet not cross into the “Neanderthal Romantic Novel” format of a Jane Auel or Sue Harrison. Sorry but I do not have to have every sexual encounter detailed in order to understand the importance of continuation of the species.

And now a couple of notes on the audio book process. I have come to understand no after listening to several audio books, that the person doing the reading provides a great deal of influence over the enjoyment of a book. When one reads, we do so in our own voice but these audio book actors (I guess that is what they are) are fleshing out the story in their own way. When I listened to Bryson read a couple of his books, it added to the enjoyment. Bernard Cornwell does not read this book but an actor with a bit of a British accent does and this made the conversations more believable for me. This will come up again when I review my next book and I will talk more about it then

So, in my initial use of the new Penguin Rating Scale, I give this book 3 Penguins…

Yes, I did finish it and found at times wishing it was going to continue, yes, I was entertained. A couple of things go right here - interesting subject I did not know much about, good voice of the reader made it more believable, and I like historical fiction, especially when it provides plausible historical context. I would not hesitate to recommend it to others who let it be known they enjoy historical fiction too.

The Canonical Penguin: Characters of 215th Street - Mrs. Perkins and Mrs. Watson

When I was growing up in Queens, NY, each block was almost a neighborhood in and of itself. There were plenty of other kids to play with, lots to do, places to go and doorbells to ring and run from. Two people we did not ring and run on were Mrs. Watson and Mrs. Perkins and I would like to tell you a bit about both.

Mrs. Watson was a family friend, she had some connection to my mother but I do not know the circumstances of that relationship. She was a sturdy, traditionally built woman who you would see almost daily sweeping her porch or walking down her steps on the way to the grocery store or some civic meeting. She lived across the street from us, the third home in a row of 3 story Victorian giants. The first two were bought and demolished when we were very young, replaced by a dry cleaners and row of townhouses. But Mrs. Watson’s home remained intact. Her side yard was one that we would cut through to get to the other side of the block. Her yard was a bit overgrown with bushes and had no fence so we could slip through it without being seen. She always had a kind word for anyone who passed her on the street. She slipped getting out of my parents car one day, they may have been taking her to vote, and she broke her hip. I can remember my mother feeling responsible in some way even though she was not and it seemed that after that Mrs. Watson was never the same. We rarely saw her doing the things she had always done, rarely saw her out anymore. Years later I heard she had passed away and someone bought her house, tore it down and built more townhouses in the row.




(Not Mrs. Watson's home but a good representation of how I remember it...)

Mrs. Perkins lived up the block in the garden apartments. She was very old when I was a kid. She was rail thin, always wore fancy dresses and heels and lived in a dark, second floor apartment. We would be sent over to her place by my grandmother and she would give us some money to go to the local A&P to pick up a few items – milk, bread, some fresh ground coffee. She would take her money out of a silk purse and always found an extra dime or quarter for us. My grandmother would go over and visit her occasionally but we rarely if ever saw her out walking in town. Her skin was like parchment and I can remember seeing the veins on the back of her hand when she reached into the purse and being a bit scared but she was not someone to be scared of.

Both of these women were examples of the high society that existed in our neighborhood at that time and both exerted strong influences on all of us growing up. They were some of the characters in the neighborhood.

(These are stories about things that actually happened with plenty of witnesses. It has passed from the apocryphal to canonical in nature. Wiki says of canon – “material that is considered to be "genuine", "something that actually happened", or can be directly referenced as material produced by the original author or creator.”)

The Penguin’s New Rating Scale

Behold the new Penguin Rating Scale! When I first started writing this blog I did not envision myself doing any sort of reviews of things. I guess I felt like I had an opinion and they were mine but was not willing to share my thoughts. Through the podcast process, Countless Screaming Argonauts (available on iTunes for free or on the website) I am expressing opinions about a variety of topics. Hence “reviewing” has sort of snuck into my writing. I have reviewed or participated in reviews of some restaurants, some books, websites, blogs, even an occasional movie and TV Theme Show Song.

As a result of all this, I have decided to develop a handy, dandy rating scale of all things deemed important. You will find one of these after any review situation I do. I will put the scare on the blog website in the right hand column for you to refer to. And now some details about the scale

0 Penguins – This means that the form in question is so bad, so lacking in value that even if I could, I would not even recommend Sarah Palin should try it. You know it must be bad!

1 Penguin – This is not a good thing, it is bad and without question not worth an effort. Trying this object will put you in the mind set of “I’ll never get that time back that I wasted with this!”

2 Penguins – Still not good, but maybe there is some redeeming value to this – maybe a cute actress, nice story, maybe it helps put you to sleep at night, at least you didn’t get acid reflux or the dry heaves, kind of not bad.

3 Penguins – Now we have turned the corner. Maybe the subject in question is not without flaws but at the very least you finished entertained. At least a couple of things need to go right here – it is close to home AND they make good margaritas, I like the book and Scarlett Johansen is in the movie kind of thing. A bit hard to make a total case for but you’re not embarrassed being seen leaving the premises or carrying it out of the bookstore.

4 Penguins – This represents an overall very positive experience. I will tell people about it in casual conversation (have you read any good books lately), defend it against negative karma (well I DID go there and liked it, maybe they were having a bad day?) and let my friends know it is a MUST DO.

5 Penguins – This is the Zagats of superiority! It wins the Car and Driver award, the US Transportation Board 5 Star Rating, the Lombardi Trophy of Excellence, an Academy Award, Tony Award and Pulitzer Prize all rolled into one. This is it!

So, enjoy the ratings system. Next up for a review will be a book I just finished, see you in the ratings scale…

The Canonical Penguin: Attic Treasures

Everyone loves those programs on HGTV where people search their attics and discover all kinds of “treasures” that end up being valuable. Who could forget the success of the PBS series “Antiques Road Show.” What about the show, “The 1000 Mile Yard Sale” on every fall. Well this is not about any of those kind of things. This is the story of our attic in our home in bayside when I was growing up, the “Aunt Bee” home.

I don’t really remember when we discovered the attic as a great place to go but it always was. I can’t ever remember being scared up there; it was not dark and creepy. It was well lit, had a small bedroom on one side and a large storage area on the other. There were a couple of windows and plenty of lights. There were Christmas decorations and old clothing hung on a steel pipe and a small bed in the bedroom. There was a wooden staircase leading up to it. I remember that sometimes we played hide and seek in the house and the attic could be a prime spot.

Then one day, we discovered treasure! Yes, real treasure – jewelry hidden (or so we thought) behind the walls in some rafter space. There was a large box of it. Some were just jewels, some jewelry and all exotic. It was discovered during a game when we were looking for someone up there. There were coats and stuff hung on a pipe across the rafters and behind them was a great spot. It was there that the box was encountered. I can remember dragging it out and opening up the smaller boxes inside and marveling at the “booty” we had discovered.

Some of these jewels were the things we dropped purposely on our neighbor’s lawn after we had discovered what this was, as I talked about in this post. It was an old box of costume jewelry, and the makings for more. To be honest, I do not know why we had it. I don’t remember my mom making or wearing the jewelry. I can remember it being some very gaudy colors – metallic blues and reds and greens and fake gold. There were clip on earrings, necklaces, pendants and broaches. But one thing I do know is that these jewels were the objects of childhood fantasies galore – cops and robbers, pirates, amateur archaeologist, junior scientist, just gobs of them. Now, I don’t remember what happened to them, why we ever stopped playing with them or where they went but the image of some jewels in a cotton-lined box will stick with me forever.

(These are stories about things that actually happened with plenty of witnesses. It has passed from the apocryphal to canonical in nature. Wiki says of canon – “material that is considered to be "genuine", "something that actually happened", or can be directly referenced as material produced by the original author or creator.”)

Sometimes Things on the Internet Make My Head Explode

OK boys and girls, gather around for a minute. Today we are going to start to prepare for that big final exam next week by reviewing some events of the last couple of weeks and putting them into some sort of historical/political/sociological perspective. Here goes:

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a ultra conservative radio talk show host. (BTW one note: Dr. Laura has a Ph.D. in physiology from Columbia University in 1974. Her doctoral thesis was on the "Effects of Insulin on 3-0-Methylglucose Transport in Isolated Rat Adipocytes". She is not a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist, just a bit of a quack...) Two weeks ago she was in discussion on her show with a black woman, who was upset that her white husband made disparaging and racist comments to his white friends. Rather than provide support or attempt to comfort the woman, Dr. Laura just loses it on the air. In a maniacal diatribe, she asks, among other things, why black comedians can use the “N” word but not anyone else. During this diatribe she herself used the “N” work 11 times. She ended her program that day with this gem:

"If you're that hypersensitive about color and don't have a sense of humor, don't marry outside of your race."

The next day, Dr. Laura apologized for the rant, saying:

"I didn't intend to hurt people, but I did. And that makes it the wrong thing to have done. I was attempting to make a philosophical point, and I articulated the "n" word all the way out - more than one time. And that was wrong. I'll say it again - that was wrong."

Now, the story gets even better. A mere 5 days later, after presumably talking with her publicist and handlers she said on the Larry King Show that she has decided:

"not to do radio anymore so I can say the things I wants to say. The reason is, I want to regain my First Amendment rights. I want to be able to say what's on my mind and in my heart and what I think is helpful and useful without somebody getting angry, some special interest group deciding this is the time to silence a voice of dissent and attack affiliates, attack sponsors. I'm sort of done with that."

So she is going with the old First Amendment, freedom of speech argument, and feels she can’t do that on her radio show because special interests have decided to silence her. So this raises a first issue. Are the “special interests” she is talking about her bosses on her radio outlet that don’t want a loose cannon spewing racism on the airwaves or is she referring to the general outraged public who called her out on this?

Then, the next turn occurs. Our good friend, Half Governor Sarah Palin, could not wait to jump into the breach on this one. She tweeted her support for Dr. Laura :

"Dr.Laura:don't retreat...reload! (Steps aside bc her 1st Amend.rights ceased 2exist thx 2activists trying 2silence"isn't American,not fair")," Palin then tweeted, "Dr.Laura=even more powerful & effective w/out the shackles, so watch out Constitutional obstructionists. And b thankful 4 her voice”

For those of you unfamiliar with tweet shorthand or with Palin propensity to create new words, I offer this explanation of Palin’s words; she says Dr. Laura was forced out because she exercised her First Amendment rights and that activists were silencing her, those damn constitutional obstructionists.

So now my second issue, almost the same as the first. By activists and constitutional obstructionists is she referring to Dr. Laura’s bosses or to the general outraged public?

A third issue: When Dr. Laura apologized the day after her rant she said she was wrong, admitted being wrong and in my book, the story was over. However, 5 days later she said she was quitting because she wanted to regain her free speech rights. This begs the question did she LIE when she apologized and said she was wrong or was she WRONG when she apologized for what she said.

A fourth issue is the argument made by Dr. Laura, where she said during her rant that black comics use the “N” word, so why couldn’t she. Now I know that I am going all “Godwin’s Law” on you here but to use this argument is like saying that because Hitler killed Jews, it must be ok for all of us to do it. Sounds stupid, doesn’t it? Because black comics use the word, it must be ok for all of us to use it. Yep… (Didn't their mother ever say to them "if your friends jump off a bridge, would you jump too...")

Next up, a couple of disagreements with dear Sarah. If you are going to say that the “N” word falls under the guise of free speech, then how is that different than when she criticized White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel for using the word "retarded" against liberal activists protesting U.S. debt management. Palin called this comment a "sick and offensive tactic." And she noted that Emanuel's "retarded" comment was as unacceptable as using the "n-word.” She called for him to resign.

Also covered under our First Amendment rights is freedom of religion which again sticks in the craw of dear Sarah. She also tweeted about the plans to build a mosque in lower Manhattan, on hallowed ground. Of course if anyone were to tell her where she could or couldn’t build a church we would hear about that on Twitter, you betcha! And as for the hallowed ground bit, why is it still just a hole in the ground, surrounded by Starbucks and McDonalds and people selling t-shirts and other souvenirs. Perhaps because of the First Amendment? To use her own words, it “isn’t America, isn’t fair” to criticize other Americans.

I can only come to one conclusion. These women, Dr. Laura and Sarah Palin are racists. Oh, and they are idiots too. Two conclusions...

Lunch Boxes

So this time of year always puts me in mind of back to school sales and the tradition we referred to as buying school supplies. A quick couple of notes:

As a kid, I always loved when the stores put out their Christmas decorations a few weeks before the holiday and it doesn’t bother me much now when they start right after Halloween. However I HATED when the stores put out the Back to School signs up in mid-August back then and figure that kids hate it now when they start appearing after the July 4th weekend.

Back to school sale for me meant a new pair of shoes, some school uniform pants and a package of paper to put in a loose leaf binder. Now a days, you can't get out of the store without dropping a couple of Franklins. For my kids it meant new sneakers, new clothing and enough pens, pencils and notebooks to fill a supply closet. Don’t forget the calculator, Mead Trapper Keeper, back pack and new lunch box with the theme de jure, any one of hundreds of cartoon characters.

I never got to carry a lunch box. We got the old brown bag most days and that was it. But I must admit that I loved the thought of carrying one and would do so today if I could. I wouldn’t put cartoon characters on mine today however; I think I would want interesting people on them to let everyone know where I stand.

Can you picture carrying your baloney sandwich and bottle of holy water in your very own Glenn Beck in the tin foil hat, lunch box? Available in red, white, blue or tin, for extra protection?

What about the Sarah Palin Delux model to carry your freshly shot and made wolf burger in. And you could fill up your commerative Ted Stevens Thermos with delicious moose chile, fresh out of the pot.

And boy, who wouldn’t want the Al Gore lunch box with plenty of bottled glacial melt water in it.

Then again, maybe these are cartoon character lunch boxes…