My First Meltdown

It started as a typical spring Saturday morning with just a few chores to do – grocery shop, spend time weeding out the computer room, and waiting for the junkmen to arrive. Little did I know just where this day was headed. (Please buckle your seat belts, turn off your electronic devices and put your lap tray in the upright position…)

I found the junkmen in a recycle/freecycle post. They were looking for old batteries – car, lawnmower type things and I fit the bill. Let me add a note here. By “junkmen” I do not mean anything pejorative or mean or uppity. These were two hard working locals who fit a wonderful niche in our community. When I connected with them about the batteries, the guy told me they were looking for any kind of scrap metal and again I fit the bill. Over the years we have collected an atrocious amount of junk – used junk, borrowed junk, stored junk of others and it just filled up our garage and basement and shed and you get the idea. When the junkmen said they were looking for scrap metal, little did realize the scope of their work. They mentioned they took any metal from the smallest scrap to large piece. I mentioned I had an old pop-up camper in the yard and they jumped on that like a Rottweiler on a pork chop. They looked at our garage as the mother lode and proceeded to take anything made of metal, not nailed down.

Like in the Princess Bride, this memorable exchange:

Miracle Max: See, there's a big difference between mostly dead, and all dead. Now, mostly dead: he's slightly alive. All dead: well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do.

Inigo: What's that?

Miracle Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

Even if something was somewhat metallic in nature, it was loaded into their truck. They worked hard for an hour there and then moved to our woods where the metal lode was bountiful, including an old Nissan car engine, there when we move in, and now covered in pine straw. They were like the biblical locust, tearing into everything in sight. So now 90 minutes in to a job I thought was going to be picking up a couple of car batteries, things took a turn and my life flashed before my eyes.

They moved onto our shed, eyes huge with anticipation of more booty. They had already picked up easily a ton of material, yes, I mean 2000 pounds, not “a ton of stuff.” As they worked there, they saw my 4 wheeler, my ATV, my little red midlife crisis. Some guys get toupees, some sports cars or new jobs, I got an ATV. It is sitting in my shed, collecting dust, getting out only occasionally with CollegeBoy and his girlfriend MissNicole on nice days, when he is home from school. They joking asked if they should take the ATV too and before I could laugh a “no” out, my DW was offering to barter it for some work. Before I could catch that offer, my life flashed before me, there was a rush of emotions, and it took some time to figure it all out.

(No, this picture is not me, but is an incredibly lifelike simulation…)

I needed to sit and think, and so while the junkmen collected my metal, I collected my thoughts and feelings. This was emotional for me and it took a while to figure it all out. I was so glad to have my DW and MJ there and an unexpected call from CB helped process this. At first the DW was talking about letting go of our “things” but it was just so much more for me. As I thought it out, I saw that this stupid 4 wheel toy represented so much to me, more than I realized, so much more. I had been very slow to put it up for sale, still clinging to those feelings without addressing them. The fun I had with CB when we first got it and went wildly thru our woods. Getting to teaching my son about safety and responsibility. The sense of failure and guilt I have because of our financial difficulties and the monthly payments for a stupid toy. But maybe the hardest feelings still awaiting my addressing it was confronting the sense of loss this represents. It stood for a time when I was whole, when I had two legs to walk on and could enjoy the carefree nature of this toy. I rarely feel this much about my amputation anymore. I grieved it and really have tried to move on. But sometimes when I go out taking photos it slaps me around a bit (I’ll talk about this in a different post). Confronting feelings about the ATV brought these up to the surface once again in a very strong way. Stupid toy, stupid choices, stupid mistakes.

Again Mrsfabp was there to rescue me. She talked about how we have this dream to get to LCNM, how we have been confronted with a huge task of uprooting and leaving, and how this was an opportunity to move on, to grab some of those youthful feelings we had back in February during our Southwest adventure. She touches my heart. MillieJupiter was there with a hug, a couple of them, which was another kind of support I needed. CollegeBoy’s phone call out of the blue helped me realize just how good I have it despite the adversities faced.

Some doors close and other doors open. Saturday was a day that brought us much closer to a dream. All because of a little red midlife crisis. I’m glad I got it because it helped me get it. Maybe that’s why I kept it for all these years. We decided to barter it away, for work on our property and our basement. To get us one step closer to a different life. Excuse me, I got a little something in my eye…
Meltdown one is over.